What are some of your deepest and most horrifying secrets that only you know about?
There was a moment in life when I was feeling a little lost. I’d come out of a relationship with my ex-girlfriend and was travelling and searching for my own happiness. I had hopes that I would settle with her but things did not work out between us.
I discussed these problems with my good friend George that I’d begun to tell my relationship woes of. We were travelling through South America and he had already been out to visit me when I was living in Lisbon at the time.
We sparred in boxing together; practiced Brazilian Ju-Jitsu and attended Muay Thai classes with professional fighters. We had run 5k runs together and swam and considered entering triathlons.
Partying along the way also. I would laugh and smile with him and realised he had really quickly become my best friend at that moment in my life.
I always laughed with him, never argued and we had such similar ambitions in life. Freedom, adventure and careers taking a veritable backseat in our lives.
I’m from an Indian family. My mum and dad had an arranged marriage at 11 and 13. My sister (born and raised in the UK) had been due to have an arranged marriage at 21.
I’ve never actually told George. But I was beginning to feel I fancied him . I could spend all my time with him and we spent the best part of two months and 18 hours per day together without arguing.
Things came to a head one evening in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil when we were laughing and drinking with some of the guys from the fight gym we trained in. We had drunk several caipirinha’s, and then I leaned over to kiss him. Just a peck on the lips. To see how I would feel.
It isn’t horrifying or a problem in any way to be gay.
But then. I’m from an Indian family and would have been the first person to ever ‘out’ himself in my family.
So those were the few weeks in my life at aged 27; where I asked myself if I was gay.
As I discovered, I am not. But I’m happy I was at least willing to explore. My family still don’t know of this. I wonder if one day they’ll ever find out.
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transcribed from deepest and most horrifying secrets